Category: Bathroom

‘I can’t believe this is finally happening!’ my wife squealed with joy, grabbing the lapels of my jacket in her excitement. She had to let go and quickly duck back to her side of the hallway as a tradesmen walked past with a bucket of tiles, nodding politely at us.

Then Jeanie went back to squealing.

‘It’s exciting,’ I nodded, trying to force my face into an enthused expression. ‘Very exciting.’

‘What is it?’ she frowned. ‘Vanessa, you said when we got married that you wouldn’t do this!’

‘Do what?’ I protested, pressing myself flat against the wall as another builder squeezed through.

‘Get all… weird,’ Jeanie frowned, gesturing at me vaguely, ‘and not tell me why.’

‘I know,’ I sighed. ‘Look, it’s nothing, I promise.’

‘You promise?’ she raised an eyebrow at me.

‘I promise,’ I smiled flatly. She scoped me out for a few moments, then shook her head.

‘Nope, I don’t buy it.’

‘Oh come on,’ I rolled my eyes. ‘What is there to buy?’

‘Is it the colour we chose for the shower grout repair? You can trust that it’ll hold up over time,’ she insisted. ‘That’s what the tin says at least.’

‘No, it’s not the grout.’ It’s never the grout.

‘A-ha!’ Jeanie pointed, then pulled her hand back to let another tradesman through. ‘But it is something!’

‘It’s…’ I hesitated. ‘It’s mostly nothing.’

‘Vanessa, come on,’ she rolled her eyes this time. ‘Just tell me!’

‘Fine!’ I threw my hands up. ‘It’s them!’

I pointed at the newest tradie to walk through our door. He paused, then slowly turned around and walked back out.

‘The company near Melbourne that does bathroom renovations?’ Jeanie frowned. ‘What’s wrong with them?’

‘Nothing,’ I shook my head. ‘But what’s wrong with me?’

‘Huh?’

‘You know I love renovating bathrooms,’ I said, lip quivering. ‘But you didn’t even ask me – you just hired these guys!’

A small group of them had clustered outside our front door, looking inside nervously.

‘Oh, Vanessa,’ Jeanie looked at me with a smile. ‘Can I tell you something?’

I looked up at her with a smile. ‘Yeah?’

‘You’re terrible at renovating.’

‘What?!’

‘I’ll be honest folks, I’ve never seen anything like that before.’

Our plumber scratched himself as he looked at the mess our bathroom had become – tiles broken, pipes bursting through the walls, the floor half-collapsed underneath our gorgeous claw-foot bathtub.

‘Is it fixable?’ Bessie squeaked from by my side.

‘Whatya think?’ I asked him, eyes wide.

‘Is what fixable?’ he frowned, gesturing around the room. ‘I see at least four issues that would require a full-bathroom-remodel on their own.’

‘So can you do it?’ Bessie blinked at him from behind her gigantic glasses.

The plumber sighed, taking off his cap to rub his bald spot.

‘I’ll make some calls.’

He trundled off, phone in hand, and I turned to my wife with a weak grin.

‘See? It’s fixable!’

‘Ohh!’ she grumbled, smacking me weakly on the arm. ‘Tell that man that we need a new bathtub!’

‘The bath is fine,’ I frowned, puzzled. ‘It’s the only thing in here that survived.’

‘But everything else was destroyed because you’re too proud to get a bath tub conversion! Sydney is full of young people who can get in and out of baths easily – we aren’t them anymore!’

I sighed and kicked at a stray piece of tile.

‘Do you really think it’s come to that?’

She pointed at the hole in the roof and frowned harder than I’d ever seen a human face frown.

‘Yes. Yes I do.’

‘I just hate going down that road, you know? Once you install a simple bathtub safety modification for seniors, then you’re just one step away from having a chair to get up the stairs and a nurse to help feed you.’

Bessie’s face softened slightly and she came to stand next to me.

‘That’ll never happen,’ she said, stroking my arm. I smiled and patted her hand, gazing down into her eyes through those huge, huge glasses.

‘We don’t have stairs.’